Note from Kelly:
A client wrote this blog after her divorce was final, with the benefit of hindsight and (probably) the anxiety of my final bill. This client was one of the most organized clients I have had. She also listened well, especially when I told her things that were difficult to hear. This client is NOT an attorney and the below information is not legal advice.
“Choosing to end a 19 year marriage, or any marriage, is not an easy decision. As Dr. Phil says “you have to earn your way out of the relationship.” Once you have decided that it is the right decision for your life, there are steps you can take to make this excruciating experience a little less painful. First and foremost, make sure you have a good therapist to walk you through the emotional process of divorce. The attorney you decide upon is NOT your family therapist.
Second, prepare before the separation. Scan and save all the important information on an external drive or zip drive and include copies of your tax returns and income for the previous four (4) years. Gather pay stubs, bank statements, 401k statements or any information regarding retirement accounts, documents regarding life insurance, health insurance, titles to vehicles, deeds for your home or other property such as a timeshare or even a burial plot, and copy all household bills. Create a clear spreadsheet of monthly income and expenses. Prepare a list of all household items you own from the kitchen table and chairs to the dishes. These are assets that you have acquired over the years and they will be a part of the division of your marital estate. Be clear about what property was brought to the marriage, what was gained during the marriage and what was inherited during the marriage. Take photos of the house, the household items or any large assets. All of this information should be organized in a logical manner that is easily found by you or the Paralegal for your attorney. (These documents should be saved in PDF format.) Now that you have an asset list, prepare the liability list and include the mortgage, rent, credit card bills, doctor bills, loans and any other debt you may owe including any family members who have loaned you funds.
Now that you have gathered the information, prepare a summary or list of what you want to come away with, best case scenario. Think about not only the present moment, but the future. Come back to this list a few days later, and NOT when you are upset, and then decide what you can let go. What is it that is a deal breaker for you? You had to decide what the deal breaker was when you made the decision to leave the marriage, do it again with regards to your financial future and the future of your children if applicable. Be flexible and creative, trust your gut.
Third, find an attorney that is a good match for you. I have been a Paralegal for 20 years and personally know plenty of attorneys. I learned first-hand through my divorce that finding the right attorney is much like dating or finding a mate. It is important to talk to two or three attorneys to find the right match for you. Prior to meeting with the attorney, review the list of what you want to come away with, the issues that are involved in the divorce, and know that you will not get everything on your list.
Fourth, approach the split as a business decision. We all know that divorce is expensive any way you approach it. However, it can be less painful and less costly if you keep your emotions out of the decision making process. The business and finances are the issues that your attorney is skilled and equipped to help you resolve. Regardless of the reason for the divorce, how mad or hurt either party is, neither of you win (certainly the children lose) by continuing to hurt each other while fighting with your attorneys in the middle. In the end, all you come away with are more wounds and less money, so no matter what, stay focused. Time to time, you will veer of the path, but a good attorney will redirect you.
Fifth, do not use the divorce as a means to seek revenge. While negotiating think carefully about what you and your soon to be ex are arguing over. Every phone call, email, letter or communication with your attorney or staff will cost you and your ex significant money which lessens the amount of money to be divided. Look at it this way, most of us can go to a one hour therapy session for a co-pay of $50.00; however you are most likely paying your attorney at a minimum $250.00 per hour, plus paying the Paralegal $150.00 per hour. Mathematically, you are going to get more bang for your buck if you keep the two issues separate. That doesn’t mean that your attorney doesn’t need to know what is happening. You should contact your attorney if your soon to be ex is sending crazy text messages, emails, showing up at your house or taking money from bank accounts. As always, clear communication is essential, however, the attorney and paralegal do not need to hear a blow by blow detail of your day. Keep a journal and notes of all of the issues at hand. When you do communicate with your attorney stick to the subject, be concise and focused. He or she is most likely billing you in 15 minute increments. Each e-mail and/or telephone call will be billed at a minimum of 15 minutes. So send one concise email bullet pointed with the core matter and do not call to ask if the attorney or paralegal received the email, they will respond when it is appropriate.
Sixth, one of the most difficult decisions you make may be regarding custody and visitation with your children. Think about custody based on the age of your children. It is not only the present relationship that is important, but the one you will have with them long after custody is over. That is the most valuable and longest time you will have with your children. Once your children are teenagers they will have a life beyond mom and dad and, they will have more of a voice in where they go and who they spend time with. No one can force a driving teenager to go someplace they don’t want to be. If you have older teenagers, do you really want to spend the next year or two fighting the other parent over custody, visitation, splitting of assets or money? By the time the issue is resolved, you have spent a lot of money and heartache fighting and the children will be ready to go off to college and live their own life. A wise woman once reminded me that your child’s parent is just that, his/her parent and you can never change that. You couldn’t change him/her while you were married to them and you certainly can’t change them after divorce.
Finally, a divorce decree is a contract and in order to enforce the contract you have to take the offending party to court. Are the issues you and your ex are quibbling over in the decree really something that you would take them to court for and spend thousands of dollars to try to enforce? In the end the chances are most likely not. In the same respect, perhaps you can give in on another matter just to get the divorce resolved. Always trust your gut and be true to yourself. You are not going to get everything you want. Determine early in the process the things that mean the most to you and what you might want, but would be willing to give up, so that your attorney has some items to with which to negotiate.
If you choose to incorporate one or more of these suggestions, your divorce will most likely end more quickly with less money wasted fighting and most importantly, with fewer wounds and scars. While divorce is terribly painful, there is the possibility of happiness, peace and hope in the end. I am living it first-hand.” Anonymous